Passion of weeds
or love like a rose?
What do we sow
and whoever knows?
Typical symbols
of storybooks told-
chasing a rainbow,
looking for gold.
Greener pastures,
brighter days-
yonder where the sun doth play.
Maybe what we want to see
isn't always there,
hidden in a secret garden
along with other dreams ditched without care.
A castle for one
A bridge for another.
A fighting soldier
and star crossed lovers,
a distant friend
or a terrible foe-
where our life takes us
nobody knows.
Coupled with love
doubled with hate
Whichever we choose
is another man's fate.
I must say, I greatly enjoy the way you begin this poem. I've never thought of weeds as passionate, but that term is a terrific way to describe them. The incorporation of more "Shakespearean" type English (yonder/doth) is also very eye catching. It's a refreshing shock to the system. The image of a secret garden, where dreams are ditched is one that is strong. I can almost see the gravestones with the dreams written upon it. Actually, the images are all very strong. It's almost to the point of overwhelming, but that's a good thing in a way. This poem is extremely rhythmic as well. I honestly am having difficulty finding anything to critique. If I could make any suggestion at all, it would be this: try and break up the poem into separate stanzas. This way, you can emphasize specific parts of the poem that are the most important. It may help in getting the theme of the poem across to the reader. Also, the rhyming is great, but try not to repeat the words that rhyme (you only do this once with "there" in lines 13 & 15 so it really is not that big of a deal, but I have to critique SOMETHING! :) )
ReplyDeleteK- Hopefully the editing to this piece perfects instead of diminishes the quality. I fixed the same word rhyme in 13 & 15. I also broke up the poem into stanzas based on their individual meanings and how I pieced it out in my head whilst reading.
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