I came across a man one day
And it seemed he had a lot to say
But it was only spoken with his eyes
For his voice was compromised
Through catching glance
He conveyed by chance
A love he had not gained
Looking back it was such a shame
A marvelous fellow
Although rather mellow
His smile overwhelmed one’s heart
Only then till he fell apart
For when sorrow took place
It appeared on his face
And his demeanor was as grey as the rain
But he loved her all the same
The man with telling eyes
Never could find a deflector or disguise
As the love he could never achieve
Became his swollen grief
Everyone could tell
The pain he could not quell
It ate him up inside
This love he never denied
But one he could not attain
For she loved him none the same
Ok, first things first: you start out this poem with the rhyme scheme of “aabb,” with the “b”s being slight rhymes (if you don’t already know/couldn’t tell a slight rhyme is when two words almost rhyme, but not quite). After you have this rhyme scheme for two stanzas, it kind of disappears. You keep rhyming the first two lines of each stanza, but the last two are no longer slight rhymes. This makes the poem become off kilter. After reading the first two stanzas, the reader expects the slight rhyme at the end of the stanza; when there is no longer a slight rhyme, the rhythm gets thrown off and it doesn’t feel “right” when reading. Also, I find it interesting that you have quatrains (yay, incorporating things you learned in class!) for the every stanza but the last. May I ask why you chose to do this? It’s a unique decision stylistically and normally poets don’t change the stanza lengths so I’m interested in hearing your answer. Another question: why did you choose to change the color of the font of “he loved her all the same” and “she loved him none the same”? Was this to emphasize the unrequited love? Overall, a very interesting poem. I enjoy that you play with rhyme. It takes a brave soul to do that. I know that I personally don’t rhyme my poetry (I’m too lazy lol) so I enjoy that you do.
ReplyDeleteI worked on the slight rhymes a bit- it did feel off kilter. Hopefully the revisions help significantly in this regards.
ReplyDeleteI did choose to change the font color for the reason you stated- it was also a stylistic thing for emphasis concerning the title.
I changed the stanza length because just by lengthening the last one it (for me) helped exaggerate how heavy his heart felt (by making the poem heavy ended)- like it's pulling everything into it.